Saturday, February 1, 2014

"I don't like me...."

For the first time ever, I'm just sitting at my laptop and being random. So ya be easy with me. For my family and friends that know me and are following me and support me, lemme take the time out and just say....THANK YOU.!!You all are the reason I do this. You all have nurtured me, loved me, supported me, prayed for AND with me.  There are simply no words for what you all have given me. For the greatest gift that I've been given, which I humbly call her Nyla, thanks for being my inspiration and inspiring me to be even greater than yesterday, every day. For the others, that have simply just came across my page or are just passing through, lemme say to you all, WELCOME! Allow me to introduce myself, I'm just REENE. I'm going in now, ya flow with me....

So....I'm sitting here listening to my iPod and it shuffles to K. Michelle(don't judge me, lol) and her song "I don't like me" comes on. When she sings the hook "all that I can see is that she's prettier than me... I can hear my self-esteem, I don't like me...", it makes me pause. Almost immediately, my eyes start to water. Even though, I'm home alone, I can't help but to look around and make sure no one sees that these lyrics to this song has just struck a nerve and is exposing something in my soul. How many times have I compared myself to other women and if I can be totally transparent, committed a sin? Yep, dare I say, I coveted.  Now, (*clearing throat and giving face*) before you start to judge me and come at me saying "I thought you were a Christian" or "Don't you profess to be a believer of Christ and believe that He blesses you?" I sure am and I sure do! However, I'm human and the reality is, that we live in a society that has us constantly comparing ourselves to one another. I believe this is even more apparent with females. Everywhere we go, we see models or personalities on magazines, the internet, TV or even just around us that are trying to make us wish we had what they have or we could be who they are.  When I see some women being able to act a PURE-DEE fool, or act with no discretion at all AND still be able to drive off in a Bentley, I do admit to saying "REALLY GOD, REALLY?" I start looking at myself like, "What am I doing wrong? Why don't I have that? What are they doing to get that"(even though I already know) and simply "WHY???" I consider myself to be a decent person. When I love, I love wholeheartedly and unconditionally. I will give you the shirt off my back and ONE of my good shoes to match, but I ain't got nothing to show for it...

"God, I ain't trying to question you but I just wanna know why?"(but.. isn't asking why like really questioning Him but.....ok let's move on). I'm down here trying to do this thang called life right but it seems like I ain't never winning. Man, this is for the birds! Especially, if I can go out there and act a fool AND I can get paid for it. Shoot, sign me up! These were all MY thoughts(yep, cause I know I'm the only one that has ever thought like this). During my episode of ranting and raving to God until no more words could be uttered, I suddenly became still. I thought it was because I had become too emotional and needed to compose myself. But while wiping my tears, I suddenly hear..."Irene.... I said MAKE YOUR REQUESTS KNOWN NOT YOUR COMPLAINTS, WORRY ABOUT NOTHING AND PRAY WITH THANKS." Wow! Here comes the shame again. I start to apologize almost uncontrollably and then I hear "I know you are frustrated but I have given you something that no amount of materialistic things can make up for". My response, "Oh yeah? Help a sista out, God and lemme know what that is." His response..."I have given you peace, a sense of knowing who you are and your purpose. Don't fall for the tricks of the enemy. Yes, I'm very much aware that there are things out there that, on a daily basis are trying to appeal to my people. Unfortunately, the enemy is winning some of them over. However, to you, because I saw it fit, I've given you a vision, a  "sneak preview", you may even say, and to everyone, that is not given." Sooooo, (*blank stare*)  I started looking over my life and yeah, every time I was going through something, in the end I had peace. I may had to cry about it and I even worried myself about it but when it was all said and done at the very end I gained peace. I've been able to look at others' situations around me and see when they are going through some things as well and tell them, "Look, I know it doesn't look like it, but it REALLY is going to be alright. I'm so sorry that I can't tell you how and why but I need you to believe me when I say that it will be, trust me I've been there"

 I've been in many situations where there was no way that any person could have done anything to get me out of them but GOD and HE DID! So how dare I fall for the tricks of the enemy who has never did anything but lied to me, tried to destroy me and has made several attempts on attacking my mental stability? He wants me to hate myself cause if I do I would ultimately be hating my Creator, of who I am wonderfully made in His image. I can't go out like that! He's done too much for me for that. It's not like I only read about him in some book or went and sat on a pew and listened to some preacher tell me what He could do. I EXPERIENCED what He could do for MYSELF.

The part that I get excited about  the most is that I know He's not even done, He ain't even halfway done! Does that mean that I will probably never, ever, go through another episode where I'm asking God "How, Why and When??" I wish I could say that I wouldn't,  but the truth is I can't say that. However, that's the beauty of my friendship with Him. There's nobody who has ever been more patient and understanding with me and I LOVE HIM for that. So, naw...K.Michelle, although, I can get where you are coming from with your lyrics, I can't say that I don't like me. As a matter of fact, I love me cause I love the One who created me and for right now, I can stand on that alone...until the next time I need to be gently reminded....

3 comments:

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  2. That was the sermon and the benediction. I want to say thank you for being so transparent about an experience that everyone at some point has surely gone through. We have all had “Why God?” moments. We just have to KNOW that we are fearfully and wonderfully made……KNOW that we are in this world and not of it. Therefore, what looks like success to the world has absolutely NO eternal value. I had a “Why God am I still single when I know that I am a good, (try my hardest to be) godly, virtuous woman?” recently. Yet, I KNOW (there comes a point when you just have to know something about the Lord God) that He loves me unconditionally and there is nothing that I can do to make Him love me more or less. When I lament and focus on what I don’t have, I am telling God that what He has given me isn’t enough. I KNOW better but it still creeps up. That’s the enemy….he will have us focused on the thing that we don’t have until we trivialize what we do have. Deception….smoke and mirrors….the enemy’s greatest weapon.

    Kudos to you Cousin!

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  3. T-Rose, you don't know how much I appreciate that! Thanks so much for your support. You are absolutely right, we have to "know that we know that we know" who we are and who we belong to.....I love your perspective and insight on this as well. What an awesome Woman of God, you are!

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