Sooo....I am a lover of old 80's and 90's R&B songs. The lyrics just seemed to speak to me more and reflect raw emotions, which at the time I was unfamiliar with.One of my favorite groups, Loose Ends, made a song called "Slow Down". I loved this song! One of the verses in the songs said "Is this the part you take my heart to wipe your feet on?" What?? What exactly does that mean? Unfortunately, I became all too acquainted with the meaning later on in life.
I remember the FIRST time(but not the last time) that I had my heart broken. I remember it like yesterday. I was a freshman in college and I fell for an upperclassman. You know the type. The ones that were all too eager to prey on young naive freshman girls. Reeling them in by telling them everything and anything they wanted to hear. This particular one I so happened to fall for was indeed a profesSHUNnall. He was as smooth as they come. He laid it on thick when it came to me, making his words taste as sweet as honey. I fell for it all. When he was no longer interested in me or was "through with me", I was crushed. I blamed myself. How could I fall for these lies in disguise? I would like to say that was the one and only time my heart was broken but it wasn't. I fell many, MANY times for men and boys that knew all the right words to say by telling me exactly what I wanted to hear. Each and every time, I blamed myself for falling for them. "How could I be so stupid? I knew he wasn't about anything and still stayed with him.", were my constant thoughts. "He said he loved me but treated me like crap. Why didn't I just leave him alone the first time he showed me how he really was?". With every heartbreak, I beat up on myself some more and some more and some more. When I got married, I finally patted myself on the back for "catching a husband", someone who would FINALLY love me. However when my marriage began to crumble and end in demise, the blame game began again. "Why do I always end up in failed relationships?" Again, defeat crept its' way in. "Why did I always play the fool?"
When I created this blog, 3 years ago, I was experiencing another heartbreak. Acknowledged Purpose was started as a way to let my feelings out and to help with my healing process. Who would've known that I would still be at it. I reflect back 3 years ago and recall everything I was feeling when I submitted my first post. I was so broken and yes, once again blaming myself. Since then, there have been other times when I felt and did the same. During one of my pity parties, which included tearing myself apart, questioning my worth, and trying to figure out what was wrong with me, I started to ponder on something. Isn't it okay to fall for the wrong person sometimes? I mean, I really starting giving myself permission to fall in love with the wrong person. This, however did not include giving myself permission to continue to play the fool. I was simply giving myself permission to get it wrong sometimes and be good with that. Now, included in this permission was also the need to learn valuable lessons. First lesson, people will treat you the way that you allow them to treat you. This one required some careful examination on my part. Why was I allowing myself to be treated less than I desired or deserved? Did I not have enough self-worth to believe that I deserved to be treated better? I already knew the answer to that one. No, I didn't. So I am striving daily to change this. Second lesson, the guys that I met where actually good guys, they were just not good for me. I have learned to be fine with this one as well. It's nothing wrong with fallen for the wrong guy. How else will you know when the right guy comes along? The goal is to not become bitter, hopeless, and definitely don't give up.
So, like the words to the song goes..."Is this the part you take my heart and wipe your feet on?". No, absolutely not. However, I will make the right guy wipe his feet off at the door to my heart before entering. Because he would indeed be standing on sacred ground that has been fertilized with tears and plowed with self exploration. Until next time.....